


just right & never enough, never right & just enough

by Miraphina Atherton (mew_tsubaki)



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, F/M, Insecurity, POV Multiple, Pre-Relationship, set during s17 jsyk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-19 07:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29747298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mew_tsubaki/pseuds/Miraphina%20Atherton
Summary: Torres, Bishop, and things that are (and aren't) lacking. (It just depends on whom they ask.)
Relationships: Nick Torres/Ellie Bishop
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31





	just right & never enough, never right & just enough

**Author's Note:**

> The NCIS characters belong to Donald P. Bellasario, not to me. And now the babies get to dabble in their insecurities from s17. :3 Read, review, and enjoy!

Somehow, Ziva David's existence is a threat itself, even when she's not around, and it's something both Torres and Bishop grapple with.

In the first few days and weeks that follow Ziva's departure, now with Sahar [seemingly] gone (and when has this team ever had a case wrap up so neatly?), Torres doesn't feel that he walks on eggshells around Bishop and the others…but on newborn, probie legs.

It's ridiculous, he knows. Nick Torres has years and years of top-notch undercover work under his belt, has seen action none of them ever have or ever will. In some ways, those years of being the lone wolf have gifted him with reflexes and senses that make him sharper, sprier than the rest. He's dependable, definitely not some probationary agent. And yet…

In the days and weeks that follow, it's as if a ghost sits in every room and car with him. Palmer, McGee, and Ducky have a Ziva story for every occasion. A good word or even half an anecdote slips from Vance's mouth. There's that fatherly glint in Gibbs' eye, too, followed by a wry smile as if he's about to mumble "Ziver" and she's about to round the corner with some new disaster on her tail.

Even Sloane and Kasie don't offer Torres much reprieve. Sloane finds Ziva David and the team's interactions with her to be the most fascinating case study she's stumbled across in all her decades, and Kasie, when she comes up for air from doing science, is all bright eyes and slack-jawed hero worship of the living Mossad ninja, despite all her claims that she's "cool" if she doesn't get more than a minute of the living legend's time.

And Bishop? Woo, boy, Bishop…

Torres grits his teeth sometimes when it's just the two of them, whether alone in the bullpen or together in the car or walking around the Navy Yard. When he thinks back to before Ziva's return, he figures it was easier, easier to talk with Bishop, easier to be around Bishop. Now, he's not so sure.

Thing is, Bishop ought to be more like him, too, just as Sloane and Kasie ought to be more like him—less fascinated with Ziva and simply…curious. But Bishop's connection to her, how the two agents are entangled and likely won't straighten their paths anytime soon (and, yeah, he worries that Odette's been so quiet these days, but that's a different concern for a different day), has Torres feeling…well, rather like that probie he knows he isn't.

He's not an idiot. Just as he's not a probie. But…he'd be lying if he said he were on McGee's level. Or on Bishop's. And now, with everything that came out about Bishop holding on to Ziva's cryptic secrets for her, Torres doubts he's on Ziva's level, either. The two women made leaps and bounds that boggled him and that clearly Ziva trusted only Bishop to handle, and the rest of the team felt it right to keep Torres in the dark until the last possible second, on top of it all.

It's these self-deprecating thoughts that spin around his head the odd chance when he glances across the way to Bishop and spies her blond hair curtaining her face. Even if only half hidden, revealing an expression of hers that's one lost in thought, one showing she's likely piecing together a puzzle he's not going to solve in a million years…her face is entertaining, and he can't help himself wishing for that lightbulb smile of hers to bloom once things click into place for her.

Even if that smile's not meant for him, isn't meant to be his.

(Ah, she smiles, so he turns away before she catches him peeking.)

(…but, thing is, she catches him anyway, little does he know.)

Bishop's tried to offer Torres her smile a little more often since Ziva's initial, quick come-and-go, partly because she likes to see how he reacts to her smile, partly because Torres seems so cautious around her these days and she wants him to warm up to her again. But it's not just cautious—is he perhaps stiff around her on purpose? But…hadn't they grown closer this past year?

She's spent her free time these last few weeks dodging Odette's calls and going over what else has changed lately that would make Torres so…touchy. No big life-risking cases… Not even a scraped knee… Not even a major or minor argument between them… Work's been crazy, of course, and Gibbs seems to be absent more than usual—"Sturgeon season," he tells them robotically, and they have to leave it at that as any good kids do when their dad doesn't want to discuss his extracurriculars—but there's nothing that Bishop can think of that should have put distance between her and Torres. Except…

She bites her lip. Actually, she's come to chew on her bottom her lip rather often these days, absentmindedly so, as if it's her newest, favorite salty snack. And she can't help it, because it's always there, at the ready and available when her mind wanders and she worries that something shifted in the team dynamics, in the atmosphere around the office, after Ziva turned up on U.S. soil once more.

…agh, who's she kidding? Sure, the others are a little on edge, worried that Ziva's got a few more poltergeists trailing after her from a past life, but they're mostly happy to have had her, even briefly, back in their lives. The only dynamic that's truly rocky since Ziva's appearance and disappearance is Bishop's with Torres. And Bishop has a few worries as to why.

Initially, the former NSA agent believed that Torres had felt left out…but she's long since changed her opinion regarding that topic. Keeping Torres out of the loop as long as possible had been for his own protection, especially legally (though Bishop has given up reminding him of "plausible deniability" since that whole Ziva–Sahar case is water under the bridge now). Besides, there wasn't much that Torres could've done at the time; Bishop knows that, had Ziva been able to, she would've tried to complete this mission with Bishop's help alone, at max including McGee or Gibbs and no one else. So that's a worry that, even though it likes to cycle around, Bishop's mostly put to rest.

Is it the other kind of left out, though? Bishop wonders. Sometimes Bishop gets that old distanced feeling from Torres, especially when the two of them are out in the field processing a scene with McGee. It's an old feeling, the one of Torres still getting used to wearing a black jacket and hat with letters, a matching ensemble with theirs… Does he regret, sometimes, being a part of a team? How long does it take someone, anyway, to acclimate to team life when they've spent their entire career learning to trust no one except themselves?

But that worry is brushed aside when Torres is his goofy self and catches Bishop unawares with the flash of his camera. He adores selfies with his phone, but Bishop knows the camera from his scene kit always has a few friendly shots, usually of her.

So then…that leaves another worry, this one brand-new and most troubling and kind of alien to her. The worry that first hit her after Torres' faux fight with Ziva.

Because it wasn't just the realization that, in hand-to-hand combat, Torres is evenly matched with Ziva. It was the realization that he looks so _lively_ when faced with that much action. Had his undercover days been that exciting, that—for lack of a better word—adventurous?

It doesn't help that Bishop recalls too vividly the easy banter the two lone wolves had upon first meeting and after. Torres and Ziva chatted like old pals…but maybe it was just their shared backgrounds, their shared experiences. They have too much in common, after all—fragile family lives, self-reliance, trust issues, being jacks-of-all-trades.

By comparison, Bishop feels quite vanilla. "Apple Pie," that asshole Victor Mir had called her recently…but maybe he isn't far off the mark.

Because what if the closeness, the ease Bishop had with Torres this past year, before Ziva showed up, looked like a good backup plan unless someone far more adventurous crosses Torres' path? And it's this dismal thought that has Bishop laughing internally and sardonically at herself as she turns her desk light off at the end of another hard day's work, because it's not as though Torres is going to chase after Ziva—no, Ziva calls Tony her home, and Tony's waited all this time to have Ziva back, and there's no breaking that apart, not again, not after what they've been through, no matter if anyone else wanted to interfere—but it's the _concept_ that bothers Bishop to her bones.

Because Bishop might be breaking a few more rules these days, but what if Torres prefers someone thoroughly kickass like himself?

(And, whoops, his eyes are on her again, so she whips up a smile, and he lingers too long, but she pretends not to catch him in the act, and they both ignore McGee trying to feign ignorance, seeing the two of them dance proverbial circles around each other. At least he does them a favor and heads home first.)

Torres clears his throat and walks over to Bishop's desk. Again with the timidity, the caution. He jerks his chin towards her, casual and friendly…but still at a distance. "Walk you out?"

Bishop nods. Another soft grin pops up automatically on her face. "If you don't mind."

He nods, and they walk so calmly to the elevator. Once the door slides shut, he licks his lips and glances at her. "Bad news?"

"Hmm?"

He nods vaguely in her direction. "You, uh, didn't look too happy at your desk right before we headed out. Thought maybe you read something on your computer or on your phone that…" He stops, his grin tight.

Bishop pats her jeans' pocket, half double-checking the device is there. "Nah, nothing like that. Just…ruminating."

Now Torres' eyebrows jump into his hairline. "Case stuff?"

She slides her eyes his way. "Honest?"

He shrugs.

"Ziva stuff."

A vein in his jaw tightens, but he forces his jaw to relax. "…yeah, me, too."

Bishop doesn't comment on her surprise, but she knows it shows in her round eyes. "It's amazing how she's not even here, and yet…"

"…she makes me feel inadequate?" Torres plays it off with a laugh.

Bishop chuckles, too. "Funny. I was going to say the same thing about me." She hesitates and then flips the elevator's emergency stop switch, bringing them to a halt. But she only manages a partial turn towards Torres; somehow, venting these introspective notions makes it too embarrassing to face him directly. "She's kind of a one-woman team, y'know?"

Torres furrows his brow.

"There was so much she pieced together on her own and so much…butt-kicking she did on her own." Bishop chuckles again, but the sound is nervous and off-key even to her own ears.

But he shrugs. "Eh, so maybe it takes three of us where you only need one Ziva David." He grins at her, and it's more genuine this time—it reaches his eyes, which crinkle and glint with mischief. "But I've seen you. Goody Two-Shoes Ellie Bishop isn't all sugar—there's some spice in there, looking to haul off and sock a perp in the mouth when he deserves it."

She groans and runs a hand through her hair as the memory of Phineas' rescue replays in her mind's eye. "Don't remind me… I mean, it felt good to be a little badass and give Mir what he deserved, but." She shrugs. "It was a little out of my norm, too."

Torres quiets, long enough that she turns to find him appraising her, but that grin has softened to a smile, and he shrugs again. "If you wanna be badass, be badass. If you don't, then don't. I can be all the kickass you and me need," he assures her.

Bishop blinks and then her smile bursts into a large, smile-splitting laugh. "So this team is at least two of us and might hold a candle to a Mossad legend, is what you're saying."

He snorts and leans across, flipping the emergency switch so the elevator resumes its trip downstairs. "Keeping up with a legend's overrated. But you and me? We make a pretty good team. You've got brains and brawn. I've got…extra brawn." He scuffs the toe of his shoe on the elevator floor before the carriage dings. "And street smarts, I guess."

Bishop narrows her eyes at his back as he leads the way out the building. But, once through the doors, she falls into step with him…and frankly he falls half a step behind to join her. "Nick, you've got way more than street smarts."

Torres raises his eyebrows at her, skeptical.

"You pick up on more than you realize. Like that time I was lying." Which, of course, she realizes with wide eyes, is not the best example to offer, but she might as well press on with it. She shakes her head to rid herself of extraneous thoughts and leans to her right, almost to the point of resting her head on his shoulder as they walk to their cars. "I mean, how did you know I was lying? I know my neck was sweating, but—even I didn't know that it sweats when I lie!"

He purses his lips. There's that mischief, with a hint of mirth, in his expression again, toying with his lips and reaching his dark eyes. To her, it reads as mischief and mirth; for him, it's his relief and delight on display, because Bishop somehow always knows the right thing to say, right when he needs to hear it, doesn't she? "I, uh, I'm just observant," he states, and his chest feels tighter, but it's the first time in a long while that it's not the weight of feeling apart from the others, apart from Bishop; it's the coziness of the reality of his feelings, feelings he's come to terms with in the wake of Ziva's introduction (and Ziva's goading, if he's being honest—and he thought _Lucia_ was an annoying big sister!).

She narrows her eyes at him again, but her grin gives her away, and she ends up linking her arm with his for the rest of the distance. The same thoughts buzz through her brain—Torres knew exactly what to say to calm her worries—and Bishop relaxes in a way she doesn't think she has ever since Ziva turned up in person.

The duo reach Bishop's car first (his is five down the aisle), and they slow to a stop. Arms still linked, Bishop swings gently around until she faces him, and she offers him another smile…and she's rewarded, because there's no hint of that odd caution Torres has had around her as of late.

They're back to the beginning, back to square one…maybe?

Or maybe not. Maybe the anticipation she feels, he feels, is palpable, is mutual. Maybe the comparisons he's been bumming himself out over are finally on the back burner for him, just as her worries have dissipated at last (or at least have been locked away in the attic of her brain). Maybe they both realize that they don't need to compare themselves to others or worry that someone else better will come along and snatch away what they have…

…because what they have is theirs, even if it's a work in progress.

( _And it won't be a work in progress forever_ , they each think with a lingering look that might as well be a goodnight kiss.)

**Author's Note:**

> :D SO! This is, of all my NCIS fics (not just recent ideas), one of my more abstract, poetic ideas, but I ended up quite liking the results. -w- A little difficult to juggle which things I wanted to include in this as a partially s17-spanning fic, now knowing the timeline of s18, but the gist of my original notes is p much intact. (My last note was to end on "UST & eye sex." XD) But working in present tense helped a lot, esp to convey all their personal grumblings. I remember when s17 premiered thinking that I'd never expected Ziva's return to be such a brilliant prod for Ellick, *lol*, but I took that in a slightly diff direction here, instead of focusing solely on what Ziva said to Torres (which was a highlight of "[Halfway Confidants](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29416242)"). I do think Bishop's appraisal of Torres, noting how much he has in common with Ziva, might be part of why I love him so much, now that I think about it…hmm… Originally, I had no real intention of including dialogue showing them lifting each other's spirits, but it also turns out I don't think I've written an elevator scene yet? D: *le shock* So things snapped into place! And for my 30thNCIS fic, no less. XD Alas. I'm off to write some more Ellick~
> 
> Thanks for reading, and _please_ review! Check out my other NCIS fics if you liked this.
> 
> -mew-tsubaki :3c


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